Listen up, folks.
June 29, 2017
November 8, 2016

Oh, I guess it's fine, but this year why not take your sticker to the grave of Soupy Sales? Or P.T. Barnum?

Franz Kafka. Milton Berle. Andy Kaufman.

If you catch my drift.

November 7, 2016

Image and conclusions from today's New York Times analysis.

For all the blah-blah-blah, it's really quite simple. Cheeto Jesus has to win Florida. If he doesn't, then he has to win a ton of other swing states: Pennsylvania, Ohio, North Carolina, Virginia, Wisconsin and Colorado, for instance. Not gonna happen.

If The End of Civilization As We Know It does win Florida, then he still needs a streak of luck to win. For example, Pennsylvania, Ohio and North Carolina. Or try this one: North Carolina, Virginia, Wisconsin, Colorado and New Hampshire. Not so easy.

November 7, 2016

Dang. There are like 36 hours before this ordeal will end, and I'm running low on Propofol.

November 5, 2016

Increasingly, cable news is live-streaming campaign rallies. At length. Every day. Right now, Melania is standing on the tarmac, speaking in Slovenian with Donald at her side. Now they're hugging. This is surprising, given that the Wall Street Journal just splashed a story about The Donald's affair with a Playboy Playmate while married to Melania. It's all lies, honey. She made it all up. Also, the National Enquirer paid $150,000 for the exclusive rights to the story, which it then stuffed in a dark hole. The CEO of the Enquirer is a long-time buddy of Donald's. His name is—I am totally not making this up—David Pecker.

But I digress. I have a theory about why we're getting wall-to-wall live coverage of every moment of the candidates' days. The reason is that the cable news people are so sick of this election that they keep barf bags on the news desk. News anchors are refusing to cover the story. They're demanding the right to report on puppies and kittens. So the networks just stick a camera in a Florida gymnasium and wait for Hillary to show up.

November 5, 2016

So those young nitwits on the Harvard soccer team put together a scouting report on the incoming freshman women's soccer team, ranking the gals 1 to 10 and speculating on their sexual proclivities in a lewd manner. Exactly the sort of thing I would have done when I was their age. Exactly what college kids have been doing for oh, a million years. (I knew a couple of guys in college who set up a "registration" table for freshman women at the back door of the school clinic, where the coeds would fill out a form after emerging from whatever health thing they had to do during orientation. There were ratings involved.)

But times have changed. So Harvard sat the men's team down, gave them a collective head slap, told them to cut the crap out, and required the team members to attend a Saturday seminar on civility, respect and like that. Ha! Just kidding! Harvard, it turns out, according to the NY Times, "canceled the rest of the season for the men’s team—two games—and said the team, which was in striking distance of winning its conference and a spot in the N.C.A.A. tournament, must forfeit any postseason play. On Friday afternoon, the team apologized in a letter published on The Crimson’s website."

Also, the team will be spending next semester in North Korea.

The NY Times article didn't stop with reporting the facts. It launched into a riff about "extreme incidents of sexism and discrimination," "really unexamined male entitlement" and "sexual dominance over women." The Times expressed surprise that the "campus is not in convulsions over this latest episode."

Here's what I need you to do. I need you to go up to Cambridge and tell everyone that they've lost all sense of perspective. I need you to explain that given the well-known effects of teenage testosterone, this incident is really not all that surprising. It may be regrettable and inappropriate, but discipline and education would be a better remedy than knee-jerk mass punishment. Please go do that. I'll be right here in my safe space if you need any advice.

November 1, 2016

Three private aircraft sitting on the tarmac at the airstrip for Cibolo Creek Ranch in West Texas. What's weird? The image date of the satellite pass is February 11, 2016. U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was there, having arrived on one of those aircraft. He died the next night at the ranch.

October 31, 2016
October 26, 2016

I'm sorry to say that Obamacare is back in the news. Premiums are going up 25% on average. The administration has prepared talking points for its minions. Debbie Wasseman Schultz, the cursed minion queen, was out there yesterday misrepresenting the situation in her adorable staccato.

The talking points are: (1) Oh, that 25% thing is just a statistical aberration caused by one or two places like Arizona, where premiums exploded; (2) Don't worry, subsidies will absorb most of the premium increase for most people; and (3) People love this hugely successful program because it (a) Allows kids to stay on their parents' coverage until age 26; (b) covers pre-existing conditions; (c) artificially adjusts risk-based premiums so that men and women pay the same; (d) prohibits total dollar limits on coverage.

The first talking point is baloney, plain and simple. Check the graphic. The second point means that taxpayers as a whole will be picking up the tab for rising healthcare costs. Even if Trump is elected, Mexico is not going to pay those subsidies.

The third point reminds me of a shtick that Neil Cavuto of Fox News conjured up a few years ago. He hired some guy who pretended to be the world's fastest speed-reader and sat him at a table with a huge stack of paper that was supposed to be the Affordable Care Act. Cavuto wanted to know what was in there. The guy made speed-reading motions, turning a page every two or three seconds. Mid-show, Cavuto checked back with the guy and the stack of paper was still immense. End of show, he checks again, and the guy's tearing into it but the stack of paper is still up to his ear. This goes on for days. It was a good gag, but I suspect that most people didn't get it.

The four touted aspects of Obamacare that most people really do like would fit neatly into maybe ten pages of legislation. What's going on with the other 1,990 pages? Well, they're, um, kind of a mess.

October 26, 2016

I was reading an article this morning about how yogurt manufacturers brag about their low-fat or non-fat products while loading them up with sugar. At one point the reporter decided to make us all feel bad by telling us what he has for breakfast: a quarter-cup of plain yogurt (there are three servings that size in your typical little yogurt container), a tablespoon of peanut butter, some fresh fruit and a sprinkling of nuts.

We have a fifty-pound dog. If we fed him that for breakfast we would be tossed in the slammer for animal abuse. That's not enough breakfast for a pair of seven-striped ground squirrels.

The reporter said that mini-snack is plenty to hold him until lunch. When he probably orders the double enchilada plate, extra guacamole.