Listen up, folks.
April 26, 2019

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Cultural update

So those young nitwits on the Harvard soccer team put together a scouting report on the incoming freshman women's soccer team, ranking the gals 1 to 10 and speculating on their sexual proclivities in a lewd manner. Exactly the sort of thing I would have done when I was their age. Exactly what college kids have been doing for oh, a million years. (I knew a couple of guys in college who set up a "registration" table for freshman women at the back door of the school clinic, where the coeds would fill out a form after emerging from whatever health thing they had to do during orientation. There were ratings involved.)

But times have changed. So Harvard sat the men's team down, gave them a collective head slap, told them to cut the crap out, and required the team members to attend a Saturday seminar on civility, respect and like that. Ha! Just kidding! Harvard, it turns out, according to the NY Times, "canceled the rest of the season for the men’s team—two games—and said the team, which was in striking distance of winning its conference and a spot in the N.C.A.A. tournament, must forfeit any postseason play. On Friday afternoon, the team apologized in a letter published on The Crimson’s website."

Also, the team will be spending next semester in North Korea.

The NY Times article didn't stop with reporting the facts. It launched into a riff about "extreme incidents of sexism and discrimination," "really unexamined male entitlement" and "sexual dominance over women." The Times expressed surprise that the "campus is not in convulsions over this latest episode."

Here's what I need you to do. I need you to go up to Cambridge and tell everyone that they've lost all sense of perspective. I need you to explain that given the well-known effects of teenage testosterone, this incident is really not all that surprising. It may be regrettable and inappropriate, but discipline and education would be a better remedy than knee-jerk mass punishment. Please go do that. I'll be right here in my safe space if you need any advice.