Listen up, folks.
April 26, 2019

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Straight in the vein

Increasingly, cable news is live-streaming campaign rallies. At length. Every day. Right now, Melania is standing on the tarmac, speaking in Slovenian with Donald at her side. Now they're hugging. This is surprising, given that the Wall Street Journal just splashed a story about The Donald's affair with a Playboy Playmate while married to Melania. It's all lies, honey. She made it all up. Also, the National Enquirer paid $150,000 for the exclusive rights to the story, which it then stuffed in a dark hole. The CEO of the Enquirer is a long-time buddy of Donald's. His name is—I am totally not making this up—David Pecker.

But I digress. I have a theory about why we're getting wall-to-wall live coverage of every moment of the candidates' days. The reason is that the cable news people are so sick of this election that they keep barf bags on the news desk. News anchors are refusing to cover the story. They're demanding the right to report on puppies and kittens. So the networks just stick a camera in a Florida gymnasium and wait for Hillary to show up.